It has been 4 days since Reece's surgery and 4 days since I heard him say "I love you".
I waited over 3 years to hear him say those words and I'm not happy about losing even a few days of hearing them. I know that Reece is dealing with his surgery in his way. I can't let my mind go to what he might remember about it and his autism will never allow him to communicate it to me. Perhaps that is a blessing. But I miss my sweet angel telling me he loves me and snuggling with me. He wants me near but keeps me at a safe distance. His eyes are blank and are missing the sparkle. I miss my little guy. I miss my lovins.
I asked him if he was mad at us for making him have his tonsils out and thus being the reason that he's hurting. He just shook his head "no". After waiting so long for him to talk, it is scary to have him retreat into himself like this.
None of the books about "having your tonsils out" address it from the autistic child perspective or for the autistic child's parent. Perhaps that is a void I can help fill...
I did not know you were posting again on the blog. I think that it is a good place to organize and compartmentalize "stuff".
ReplyDeleteAnd, I am glad that I did not see this until the surgery was already over. (I know, I am a wimp) It is hard to understand the rhythm and reason of life, especially in terms of children. Helplessness, is the scariest one of all. I think God knew exactly who to share a special young man with and a vivacious sister to complete the set.